Gaetani Guide For Voters*: 12 Upsides If ‘The Water Wizard’ Becomes Mayor of Pittsfield**
#12 Every current city councilor will be gone because he has explicitly stated that he cannot work with any member of existing city council and “in order for me to be totally successful as a good mayor, strongly representing the taxpayer and rate payer, the City Council has to be completely eliminated.”
#11. He will be
exonerated on all charges by August 19
#10 HE “WILL BE MAYOR BY A LANDSLIDE”
#9 Press conferences on his cool sun porch.
#8 Every municipal employee you ever didn’t like (and every one you ever did) will be fired, or give notice to ‘explore new opportunities’ and ‘spend more time with their family.’
#7 The new fleet of city employees that gets hired will tow the line and work really, really hard because who wants an unidentified person that is definitely not him or a relative calling and threatening to burn down their house.
#6 He will cut the city budget in half while installing all sorts of incredibly expensive promised technology AND being able to fund thousands of personnel hours in the new initiatives he has committed to
#5 We’ll be able to eliminate the city solicitor’s department because he is “better than attorneys” and will represent the city in court the same skill and dignity with which he has represented himself on the criminal charges
#4 Colin Powell might visit some day. He has a letter to prove he knows him. And we may get to meet his business partner Dr. Wang (OR Wong ? depending on which of Mr. Gaetani’s letters you go by)
#3 He will kill the new high school project and “provide other options” for where the district’s high school students will go
#2 Kids will respect their teachers as he has literally promised on the record to take each of the 6000+ public school students in the district aside and terrorize them personally
#1 The new mayor’s office will be located out off of Holmes Road near the 4H fairgrounds, so everyone will have a relaxing space to walk off the PTSD after meetings.
*Though it uses a number of facts and direct quotes and links to actual local news, Gaetani Guide For Voters is a work of political satire, in accordance with the understood social definition and all statutory protection and case law regarding parody and public figures. It is not affiliated with the campaign to elect Craig C. Gaetani nor with any other campaign or political party, just my own brain and a lot of low hanging fruit.
** “The Water Wizard’ -term coined and intellectual property of Daniel Valenti, Planet Valenti Media, used here with attribution Fair Use guidelines.
PS- I would appreciate it no one threatens to burn my house down or even sue me. Thank you.